What No One Talks About on International Men’s Day.

Today is International Men’s Day, and this year, I choose to use this moment with clarity and intention. Not to glorify outdated images of manhood, but to honor a very specific group of men. I want to recognize the good men. Not the perfect men. Not the performative men. But the men who walk with integrity, and doing their best to be the best men they can be.

These men may be fewer than any of us would hope, but because they exist, there is hope. They are creating a new wave of masculinity rooted in empathy, presence, courage, and accountability. But to honor these men fully, we must first understand the landscape they are emerging from.

The Crisis Beneath the Surface

There is a crisis among men that is rarely spoken about but deeply felt. It starts early, quietly, almost invisibly — in the ways boys are shaped and scripted into manhood long before they even understand the word. Many men grew up being told, explicitly or silently, that certain parts of themselves were unacceptable. Don’t cry. Don’t show fear. Don’t ask for help. Don’t be vulnerable. Always provide. Always stay in control.

It’s as if entire generations of men were handed a mask before they were even old enough to choose one.

I think about this often as I raise my son. I want him to feel the full spectrum of his emotions — to know that crying is human, that asking for help is brave, that fear is not a flaw, and that vulnerability is not weakness. I don’t want him carrying the weight so many men were taught to hold in silence. Because this version of masculinity doesn’t serve anyone — not men themselves, not the people who love them, not the world that needs them whole.

And the heartbreaking truth is that the harm caused by this emotional confinement shows up everywhere. You can see it in the statistics, yes — but really, those numbers are stories. They’re evidence of lives constrained, hearts unshared, pain unspoken.

Around the world, men die by suicide at more than twice the rate of women — 12.3 deaths per 100,000 men versus 5.6 for women. That gap isn’t just a number; it’s a reflection of how deeply men struggle in silence. And the tragedy begins young: suicide is the third leading cause of death for people aged 15 to 29, proof that these pressures start shaping boys long before they become men. Globally, one in every 100 deaths is caused by suicide, with more than 727,000 lives lost in 2021 alone.

These are not isolated tragedies. They are symptoms of a structural failure — a culture that teaches men to hold everything in until the weight becomes unbearable.

And even when help is available, men are less likely to reach for it.

This is what happens when a society equates vulnerability with weakness: men learn to carry their pain alone. And it is devastating — not just for them, but for all of us who love them.

The Weight of Toxic Masculinity

When we zoom out, we begin to see just how deeply these expectations shape the world we live in. And for me, this isn’t abstract — it’s personal. I see the fallout everywhere: in my community, in my friendships, in the stories shared quietly by women and men who trusted me. Many of my peers were divorced before the age of 40, and when you look closely, so many roads lead back to the same thing: a version of masculinity that doesn’t allow men to communicate, to soften, to self-reflect, or to love in ways that truly nourish partnership. Nobody benefits from this — not men, not women, not children, not families.

Right now, we’re seeing a global surge of purple profile pictures, a sign of solidarity with women who have survived gender-based violence. And behind those purple icons are stories of pain that are far too common. The World Health Organization reports that 1 in 3 women worldwide has experienced physical or sexual violence — a statistic that is staggering, but sadly not surprising when we look at the culture we’ve built around manhood.

And the harm isn’t limited to heterosexual relationships. Abuse also exists in same-sex partnerships, often for the same reasons: one partner has been taught that power is identity, that control is love, that domination is normal. This isn’t about orientation — it’s about a foundational misunderstanding of what it means to be strong.

In 2023 alone, 140 women and girls were killed every single day by a partner or family member. That’s more than 51,000 deaths in one year. These numbers aren’t random — and they aren’t accidental. They are the predictable outcome of a system that teaches men to suppress emotion, to equate dominance with manhood, and to treat empathy as weakness.

Research backs this up: toxic masculinity — the mix of emotional restriction, dominance, risk-taking, and misogyny — is linked with lower help-seeking and higher rates of violence. Other studies show that when men are taught to shut down emotionally, it creates the conditions where toxic behavior can grow unchecked.

And when I think about my mother, or my sisters, or the daughters of my friends — or even my son, who will someday navigate relationships of his own — I feel a deep urgency. Because this isn’t good for anyone. A masculinity built on suppression and control doesn’t keep families together. It doesn’t build healthy relationships. It doesn’t raise emotionally grounded children. It doesn’t protect anyone. It destroys.

Yet men have been taught that courage looks like silence, that strength looks like stoicism, that manhood means never needing anyone. But that definition has failed us — deeply and repeatedly.

We are overdue for a redefinition. And perhaps the most hopeful thing is that a new version of masculinity is possible — one grounded in emotional literacy, empathy, accountability, and true courage.

Why This Conversation Matters

We cannot heal families, communities, or societies if men remain trapped inside emotional cages. We cannot address gender-based violence without understanding the distorted masculine norms that sustain it. And we cannot build healthy relationships if half the population is denied emotional literacy.

Why I Recognize International Men’s Day

I recognize International Men’s Day because men need space to heal, and also because the men who are already doing the work deserve to be seen.

I recognize it because naming the crisis is not an attack — it is an invitation.

I recognize it because celebrating upstanding men does not erase the harm others have caused — it shows what transformation looks like.

And I recognize it because healing masculinity is essential to healing humanity.

To the men who are breaking the mold and rising above a broken system —I honor you. I see you. And I believe in what you are building.

To the Men in Positions of Power

I also want to acknowledge the men in positions of power — the leaders, executives, founders, and decision-makers whose choices shape opportunities and access. These are the men who intentionally use their influence to create space for people like me and for businesses like mine. They put my name forward, make sure I’m in the room, and advocate for representation not as an afterthought, but as a priority. Their choices carry weight, and the fact that they choose to act with intention matters.

And within this group, I want to offer a special acknowledgment to the white men who have chosen to use their privilege with awareness and integrity. Some of these men have not only supported my work, but have protected me, looked out for me, and made sure I felt safe and seen in moments when they didn’t have to step in — but did.

When I mentioned my transition, several of these men reached out, checked in, called me, and made sure I was okay. Those calls, those messages, those gestures may seem small from the outside, but they meant the world to me. They reminded me that allyship isn’t always loud — sometimes it’s simply choosing to care, to reach out, to show up.

These men, through their actions, have shown me a different version of masculinity — one grounded in responsibility, empathy, and intentionality. And in many ways, they are the inspiration for this article. Because their behavior proved something I needed to be reminded of: there are men who choose differently, men who break the mold of what they were taught, men who expand rather than limit what power can look like.

Today, I honor these men — the men in positions of power who act with purpose, and the white men who choose to use what they have to support, uplift, and protect in ways that make a real difference.

A New Kind of Masculinity Is Emerging

Across cultures, across races, and across generations, a new kind of man is emerging — one who proves that masculinity does not have to be synonymous with dominance, suppression, or harm. And what gives me the most hope is that I’m seeing this shift up close. In conversations with my male friends, in the vulnerability they’re willing to express, in the questions they are asking, in the work they are actively doing — I can feel something changing.

These men show us that masculinity can be reflective, emotionally balanced, compassionate, principled, accountable — a kind of strength that is both gentle and strong.

These are not abstract ideals. These are the men I know. The men in my life who have shown up, asked hard questions, broken old patterns, and chosen growth over ego. They know who they are. And today, I honor them. I see them. I am inspired by them.

And I want to say this clearly: good men deserve to be celebrated. Too often, all men get lumped together — the harmful ones, the absent ones, the ones who cause pain. They dominate the headlines, the narratives, the conversations. But there are good men out there — truly good men — and we need to give them the recognition and attention they deserve. Not to erase the harm that exists, but to balance the narrative with truth. To uplift the men who are doing the work, choosing integrity, and modeling something entirely new.

Many of us want a better life experience, especially now. That is why I felt so called to write this piece — because we need to have this conversation openly and widely. We need to talk about what is broken, yes, but also about what is being rebuilt. A new masculinity is taking shape, and it deserves to be recognized, celebrated, and encouraged.

So I implore you: share this article far and wide. Let’s get this conversation moving — not just for our men, but for our society. Because when men heal, grow, and transform, we all benefit.

If you’d like to stay connected, continue this dialogue, or explore these ideas more deeply, you can reach me at hello@mbooneumbima.com. If this resonated with you, please subscribe to stay connected to future writings, reflections, and conversations that matter.

CITATION LIST

1. Global gender-based violence (1 in 3 women; IPV prevalence)

World Health Organization. (2021). Violence against women: Prevalence estimates 2018. WHO Press. https://www.who.int/publications/i/item/9789240022256

2. Femicide statistics (140 women per day; 51,100 deaths)

United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime. (2023). Gender-related killings of women and girls 2023. UNODC Research and Trend Analysis Branch. https://www.unodc.org/unodc/data-and-analysis

3. Global suicide rates (men 12.3 vs. women 5.6 per 100,000)

World Health Organization. (2021). Suicide worldwide in 2021: Global health estimates. WHO Press. https://www.who.int/publications/i/item/9789240026643

4. Suicide as a leading cause of death among youth (ages 15–29)

World Health Organization. (2021). Suicide: Key facts. WHO Newsroom Fact Sheets. https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/suicide

5. One in every 100 deaths is caused by suicide (global)

World Health Organization. (2021). Suicide worldwide in 2021: Global health estimates. WHO Press. https://www.who.int/publications/i/item/9789240026643

6. U.S. mental-health treatment gap (24.7% women vs. 13.4% men)

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2022). Mental health treatment among adults, United States. CDC/NCHS. https://dph.illinois.gov/topics-services/life-stages-populations/mens-health/facts-and-statistics/mental-health.html

7. UK help-seeking avoidance (1 in 4 men; 18% fear being mocked)

The Independent. (2024). A quarter of UK men say they would never seek mental-health support. https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk

8. Toxic masculinity linked to emotional restriction & reduced help-seeking

Peltzer, K. (2020). Toxic masculinity and health outcomes. ScienceDirect. https://www.sciencedirect.com

9. Emotional suppression enables toxic masculinity to flourish

Lumen Learning. (n.d.). Emotional suppression and gender norms. https://courses.lumenlearning.com

10. Over 1 billion people living with mental-health conditions globally

World Health Organization. (2023). World mental health report: Transforming mental health for all. WHO Press. https://www.who.int/publications